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Fuck it.

I can't believe Brian.

I honestly thought that he would understand me. I knew he was going to feel hurt and all, since I didn't tell him about how bad my family would take this. But I never thought he would take it this far.

I never thought he would believe that I didn't love him.

That's what he said, or at least meant. He told me that I never thought we would last. He told ME, that I don't love him.

I don't know where he got it from, but that's what he said.

And now I'm here, walking the fuckings hallways, not sure where I'm going to sleep tonight. Heck I don't even know if I'll be able to sleep. Right now, I'm just so angry that I don't know what I'll do. If I meet him, or anyone else for that matter, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I guess I should be glad I'm the only one fucked up enough to be walking back and forth in this hall.

*****

He's not back yet. I don't get why, but I don't care. This is my room, and right now, I don't want him here. So he better stay away, and if he shows up, I'm going to tell him to leave.

I was just throwing around my thoughts, when I said what I did.

But he didn't deny it, he didn't act like he usually would when someone accuse him of something he hasn't done.

That means I hit something, some small part of the truth, if not the whole truth.

Could it be that he truly doesn't love me? That to him this is just fun, something to do until he can find someone else?

I hate to think like this, but what else can I do?

There is nothing I can say or do now to make things better. I'm not the one with the problem here, it's him. I know that I love him with all my heart, but if he doesn't love me back, then I want nothing to do with him.

I may love him, but I will not stay with a man who lies and uses me.

I'm too good for that.

*****

I sit down in the hallway, right between his and AJ's room.

I want to knock on his door, do anything but sit here.

But I don't know what to tell him. I don't know what he wants to hear. No, that's not right. I do know what he wants me to tell him. He wants me to tell him that he is wrong, and that I do love him with all my heart and soul. That I made a mistake, and that I promise to tell him everything from now on. To tell him everything, and never keep a secret from him again.

I know that if I told him that, he would forgive me. He'd forgive and forget, and we'd be happy.

There's only one small problem with that theory, or whatever you wanna call it.

I don't know if I would be telling him the truth.

*****

There's someone in the hall.

I've been listening to him, her, whoever, for the past hour, just walking up and down, not saying a word. I heard the person sit down, and I wonder who it is.

I get up from the chair, pulling on a t-shirt as I walk over to the door, and open it slowly.

I get quite a shock when I open it.

Nick is sitting in the hallway, halfway between Brian's room and mine, and he's looking like a lost puppy. His hair is messy, covering his eyes, who are downcast, staring at the red carpet. He looks lost, and I'm guessing things didn't go too well with the family.

What I don't get is why he is here. Why is he sitting in the hallway, when he could be lying in Brian's embrace, doing things that would have me wishing I didn't sleep in the room next to them.

"Reading your future in the carpet or something?" I say, giving him a nice grin as he looks up at me.

His eyes seems, glazed, like he's about to cry, but keeping it in.

"Yeah" he says, his voice close to cracking.

"You alright?" I ask.

He looks at me, and shakes his head. He gets up from the floor, and walks into my room. He doesn't need to hear me speak the invitation that was written on my face. I close the door behind him, and turn to look at him.

He's standing in the middle of the room, looking more and more like a lost and scared puppy.

"What's wrong?" I ask, as I walk over to the minibar, taking out the small bottles inside. I look at the wiskey bottle. "We gonna need more?" I ask. He looks at the bottles for a while, before a weak smile flashes over his face. "Definately" he says.

I call room service to order one big bottle of wiskey, with two glasses, and then I sit down on the couch next to Nick. He pulls his legs up, and sits there, hugging his knees.

"Talk to me Nicky. Please" I say, and look at him, waiting for any indication that he will talk.

He turns to me.

"My parents hate me. Brian's parents hate me. Apparantly I'm sick. To top it all, Brian hates me. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I wearing a huge sign that says I'm queer, hate me for it?"

The tears are falling from his eyes now, running down his cheeks and falling in drops of his chin. I lift my hand and wipe them off, making him turn his face to look at me at the same time.

"No, you're not wearing a sign. I know it's not easy, but it'll get better. I promise. And don't worry about Brian. He'll come around. Whatever it was that you're fighting about, it'll work itself out. You'll be having loud sex with him and annoy the heck out of me in no time"

He grins at me at that, and is about to speak when we hear a knock on the door. "Wiskey" I say, and he nods.

Now we're going to do the one thing they always say you shouldn't.

We're going to drown our sorrows.

*****

He's been gone for a long while, and I miss him.

I truly miss him.

But that doesn't change the way I feel.

I wish we could talk, but I don't know what to say.

Maybe I'll know tomorrow.

*****

Well, this might not help as much as talking to Brian would, but I like it.

AJ is slightly drunk, and I have a feeling I am wasted.

Which is a good thing, because then I don't have to think about annoying things that are blonde and have two legs. Or is it three? Anyways, two legs, OR three, is called Brian, and I love him.

I know that, but he's not here.

This is fun, this not caring thing. I like it. I think I should do this a little more often.

"Aaalrighty Nickyy" AJ says, and gets up to walk in my direction. I look at him. Or, them. I didn't know AJ had twins, or two brothers, or...whatever. There's three of him, and I don't know which one to focus on. I decide to stay with the one in the middle, cause he seems to be less drunk than the two others.

"Yeah" I say, and grin at him.

"Time to sleep" he says, and walks even closer. I think he wants to get past me to the bathroom, but I'm not quite sure.

"Yep" I say, and try to get out of the way. Somehow I trip, and fall forward. AJ catches me, just in time.

"Carefuuuul" he says, and I try to regain my balance. That isn't so easy, and I think I am beyond wasted.

I look at him, and he grins again.

I can feel his breathing on my face, and I finally manage to focus.

I'm focusing on his lips. They are so close.

I lean in, and our lips meet. His are warm, different, nice.

I kiss him, and he doesn't do a thing.

Then he starts to kiss me back.

 

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