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Never before have I been this worried about a fucking press conferance.

Sure there have been days when the last thing I've wanted to do was sit in front of press people and answer questions. But it's never been as bad as this.

I've never been afraid to go up in front of people and talk. Usually I can lie my way out of sticky situations, say what sounds best, not what's the truth. For years we've been holding back small details, not revealing the whole truth. We've become experts in lying, in covering up the truth and hiding all the bad things.

We can't do that any more.

Tonight we can't lie.

Tonight we can't hide behind our images or a little white lie.

Tonight I have to tell the truth.

The absolute and complete truth.

I just hope I'll be able to open my fucking mouth.

*****

Nick worries me.

He really does.

All he's doing is sitting there, looking out the blackened window, doing nothing. Deep in thought, his eyes looking blank and empty. I don't like it when he gets like this.

It's not a very long drive, and as we come closer, I can see panic creeping over Nick's features, shining in his eyes, as the only thing present there.

I know the look in his eyes is mirrored in my own.

We are both scared. Scared of what's going to happen. Of what people are going to say, and of what we are going to have to tell them. How much details to we have to give out, and how much of our personal life will be known to all the world tomorrow?

And how will our families deal with listening to what we say, before we can have a chance to talk to them?

I feel we should have talked to them before the press conferance, but it's too late now. Plus, this is something that can't wait. We have to tell the world, and we have to tell the world now.

*****

They are both worried. I can see it in their eyes. I've been able to read the two of them for some time now. It's not something that I like to do though, but I know that what I see most of the time is love.

The two others may seem sceptical, but I know that Nick and Brian love each other, and that there is nothing in the world that can break them apart.

Nothing at all.

We arrive in silence, and make our way to the press room, where the reporters have been waiting for the last half an hour. We're late, but no one's complaining, not even Kevin. I guess the situation gives room for this.

We stop, and then it's time. Nick and Brian is to enter last. Kevin is going first, and Howie will follow. I'm to sit in the middle, and Nick and Brian next to each other on my left.

Kevin planned the seating, but don't ask me how he figured we should do it like this. His mind is strange sometimes.

*****

Kevin walks into the other room, and I grab a hold of Nick's hand.

He looks at me, his face looking drained of all emotions.

"You ok?" I ask, and he nods, putting on the famous Carter smile. He looks happy now, like there's nothing wrong. But I know it's an act. His eyes are as empty as his face just was, and that scares me. My boy is hiding too much now, it's not good for him.

But I'm also hiding my feelings from the world right now. It's something that has to be done.

"Let's do this" I say, and lead him out into the room.

The flashes of lights hits us in the face, and I smile at the cameras, knowing that Nick is doing the same.

We line up for some pictures, and then we sit down.

Kevin has this all planned, and Bill helped a lot. We're gonna start by talking about me and Nick, and then they can ask questions.

"Before we start, I'd like to say a few words" I turn to look at Kevin, who's sitting at the other end of the table.

Nick is sitting next to AJ, still holding my hand under the table.

Everyones attention is turned on Kevin right now, and he goes on, speaking the words we all put together on the plane.

"There were two reasons why this press conferance was to be held at the end of our Promotional Trip, right here in New York. One of those were to promote out new album, Black and Blue. The other were to tell you about a relationship within the group. Because of Brian's ex-wifes bad planning, you found out about this a day before we had planned. That does not mean that we are surprised. We had planned for a while to tell you all, but we wanted the timing to be right. Nick and Brian started dating at the end of the Millennium Tour. They kept it a secret, partially to protect the group. To all of us, our management and everybody else involved, their relationship never changed anything. We never wanted to keep it a secret, and we were going to tell you today, even if Leighanne hadn't opened her big mouth. Now, this press conferance is mainly to talk about the trip and our new album, but if you wish to ask some questions about their relationship, do it in the beginning, so we can get that out of the way."

He sits down, and I look at him.

Silence.

And so it begins.

*****

The way Kevin talked, he would have convinced me. If I were a reporter that is.

But I'm not, and I'm having a hard time dealing with the world knowing. I'm not ready for this, and I don't think Brian is either. It's like I've been thrown into a pool filled with White Sharks, and now I have to try and survive. I have to try to get out before they rip me to pieces.

"Nick and Brian. How did you get together?"

I look at Brian, hoping he will get this one. He looks at me and smiles, telling me that it'll be alright. I smile back at him, letting him know I understand.

"That is very hard to explain. We have a very tight friendship, and I guess that just evolved into something else, something more."

He smiles, and another reporter speaks up.

"Brian, if you two got together on the Millennium Tour, how come you still married Leighanne Wallace?"

I know this is a hard one for Brian, and I'm not sure I even understand that one completely yet.

"Sometimes, when things like this happens, it takes a while for your brain to understand what your heart already knows" he says, looking at me with love shining in his eyes. "I fell in love with Nick, but I didn't know how to tell Leighanne."

They seem to want to know mroe about the two of us, but now Kevin's had enough. He raises his hand, and tells them that it is enough for today. We will talk about the trip or the album, or all five of us are leaving.

*****

The rest of the press conferance was a blur to me.

Kevin did what he had promised, he made sure they we weren't pushed too far. He talked the most, and he was the image of a man in complete control of the situation.

Just the image we wanted to send out.

As we enter the hotel, fans have lined up outside. Hundreds of them. Some are crying, one of them are holding up signs asking why, and some are smiling, throwing stuffed animals and holding signs that wish us good luck and tells us that it doesn't matter.

I walk up to one of those who seem happy for us, and she treats me no differently than they usually do. I smile, and I can see that Nick is also happy that some of our fans understand. That is a major thing for us right now.

We stay outside for a few minutes, before our security forces us inside.

Me and Nick walk to his room, hand in hand, ignoring stares from hotel guests and strangers.

Hy hand stays on the doorknob for a minute, and I give Nick a soft kiss as we enter. He closes the door behind us, and leans in to kiss me again.

A sound behind us in the dark makes him jump back though, and turn on the light.

"Hello Nickolas"

We turn, and come face to face with both our families.

 

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