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I’m a father.

I can’t believe it. I’m a father, a dad. I have a little girl.

I knew it already, could see myself in her. Yet when I heard those words, it all sunk in. Reality came knocking on my freaking door, and for the first time I truly looked at Phoenix as my little girl.

She woke up then, as if she knew that something important was going on, something that would change her life forever. She looked at me with those beautiful eyes of hers, and she smiled.

Brian gave me a hug, smiling, whispering congratulations in my ear and kissing me softly on the cheek. Serenla smiled as well, but she looked insecure.

She had good reason I suppose. She looked nervous, like she was afraid I would take Phoenix away from her.

I can understand her reaction. She might not be my girls biological mother, but she was the only mother Phoenix had ever known. And I would never turn her away, never take Phoenix away from her.

So I smiled at her, lettinger her hold Phoenix again, as I thanked Dr.Berger and started to lead us out of there. My hand snaked around Brian’s waist at once, leaning in to whisper happily in his ear, telling him we had so much to decide now, and how happy I was.

Brian smiled at me, but he said nothing, so I let go of him and waited for Serenla and Phoenix, again taking my girl into my arms, telling Serenla we were all going back to the hotel, that we were going to talk about what would happen next.

She agreed, but she looked nervous. So I told her it would all be alright. I would never make her leave Phoenix. She looked relieved then, and I understood how she felt. Looking at Phoenix, I could not imagine ever wanting to leave her side ever again.

*****

Nick looks so happy, so proud, so very much like a father. Any other day that would be a big turn on.

Not today.

Not now.

I know I should be happy for him. I know I should be more than happy. I know all this, but I’m not.

I can’t help but think of what will happen next. Not between Nick and Phoenix, or even Nick and Serenla.

What will happen next with Nick and me?

Will he leave me, now that he has a daughter, and a woman who’s like a mother to the child? Will he tell me to go, and marry Serenla, if for nothing else to give Phoenix a nice and stable home?

I don’t know what’s going on inside his head. I don’t know how to react when he kisses me, or what to say when he tells me how happy he is.

So all I do is smile, and hope he’ll believe I just don’t have anything to say, that I am too happy to say anything.

He’s walking back there with Serenla now, holding his baby girl, smiling at Serenla and Phoenix, shining like the sun.

When I look at the two of them, I can see a family.

And that makes me wonder if Nick sees the same. If he’ll see that me and him just won’t work now that he has a baby girl.

If Serenla hadn’t been in the picture, if she wasn’t here, then this would probably have been one of the happiest moments of my life.

Because then Phoenix would have been mine and Nick’s. Not someone elses, just ours. With Serenla in the picture, we are three people taking care of Phoenix, and in that mix I am the odd one out. I am the one she does not truly need. I am the one who’s not really family.

I am the one who has to go, for things to work out.

*****

Brian is quiet.

He hasn’t said a word durng the entire drive back to the hotel.

I’ve tried talking to him, but he just doesn’t wanna listen. All he does is stare straight ahead, not saying a single word.

I don’t like that, the silence, the way he says nothing, yet it feels like he’s screaming at me everytime his eyes fall on me.

Or at least it felt that way the one time he actually bothered to turn his head and look at me.

Something tells me he’s not quite dealing with this.

It’s obvious really, that he’s not dealing with it.

Not dealing at all.

Well, that will all be taken care of just as soon as we get back to our room. I’ve already called ahead and had them get security to stand ready outside the hotel. There are fans there now, and the last thing I want is for them to jump me while I am holding Phoenix.

Hm, maybe I shouldn’t hold her?

Would be a hell of a lot safer for her.

Yeah, I think Serenla should take her. That would cause less questions as well, which is a good thing, because right not I do not feel like answering any questions at all.

That I can deal with tomorrow, AFTER me and Brian have a serious talk, AFTER we have decided how to deal with this.

Now, I just hope we don’t run into Kevin. AJ and Howie I’ll be able to deal with, but Kevin will start asking questions, and a lot of them.

And I so don’t wanna deal with him right now.

 

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